Maybe Tomorrow
by claudia1
Summary: You never did ask me what made my eyes bleed
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers: These characters do not belong to me

Notes: Au, in a small way. Also I have only seen the first five episodes of supernatural.

I watch you as you sleep and there is no visible sign of what we just went though today.

I sometimes regret going to your apartment that day. I regret telling you about dad, but at the same time I know you would want to know. You always hate it when people keep secrets from you. Yet you have no trouble keeping secrets. You never did ask me what made my eyes bleed. I doubt if you really wanted to know. My secret can't be more powerful or painful than your one. It can't be allowed to eclipse what you kept a secret for so long.

I never told you that I died. I was dead for Six months. Six months during which I had a lifetime of peace and warmth in heaven. I met mom. She is so proud of you Sam. She lights up with such an indescribable light when talking about you. She is proud of all of, but I know she didn't expect to see me at just 25. Although I had a lifetime with her it wasn't enough. It never will be. Six months after dying dad found a witch who would bring me back in exchange for us killing a few unwanted ghosts. He agreed and the witch tore me out of heaven. It's been seven months since it happened and I can't forgive him for doing it. I can only understand why.

My secret, the one that made my eyes bleed. I died, went to heaven and was brutally ripped out.

Watching you sleep so peacefully for the first time in months, I realise it a secret you will never know.


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: spoilers for asylum.

Doctor Sanford Ellicott possessed you and with the doctor in total control you told me so, many things. You claimed I obeyed our dad without question. I know that I obey every order dad gives me, but there is a reason for that. When I was ripped out of heaven the first person I saw was dad. Dad stopped ever attempt I made to kill myself. He didn't leave my side for three weeks. I couldn't even take a piss without dad watching me. After those three weeks I was deemed fit enough to rejoin the hunt. Dad no longer watched my every move. He made every effort to distance himself from me. For those three weeks he was by my side I felt a burning hatred for what he had done to me. So Many times I wanted to tell him what a selfish bastard he had been to rip me out of heaven. For those three weeks I couldn't speak a single word. When I could speak I still didn't tell dad how I felt.

When dad began to distance himself me all I could be was grateful. I couldn't stand to be so close to dad not after what he had done to me. Then dad couldn't even look me in the eye. The only words he spoke to me were orders. Those orders became the only way we interacted. It's another reason I follow dads orders. It the only time he speaks to me.

When you shot me with that rock salt it hurt. I gave you my gun, a gun that wasn't loaded and dared you to shoot me. I was hoping that you could defeat Ellicott's control over you. You pulled the trigger and once again I had undeniable proof that hope is never something I can have. After you had tried to shoot me again I punched you unconscious. After that destroying Ellicott's bones was easy. When you apologized for what you did to me, I know you really didn't mean it, but like the good solider I am I accepted the apology.

Thing is Sam its getting harder to live another day. I look at you and even though I know my death would kill you its not enough to keep me going. I still keep looking for ways to die. I don't pay any real attention to my safety. I've had enough of living in hell when I should still be in heaven.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: They are not my characters.

I can still remember sending you out of the house with the children while I went after the monster. I knew there was a high chance I wouldn't make it out of the house alive and I accepted that. I embraced it. When I tasered the monster we were both standing in water so the conducted electricity injured me. The moment all of that electricity hit me I could feel an unbelievable amount of pain. No matter how much pain I was in, I knew that I was finally getting the release from the unending hell I was living in.

The doctor told me that I had a major heart attack. Due to the massive amount of damage to my heart I only had a month to live. After that the doctor only talked about the various ways they could help ease my pain. The doctor was only interested in making my last few days comfortable. Well screw comfort it wasn't wanted or needed. I still can't remember if I asked you to save me or let me die. I do know I had a firm acceptance of my death and that scared you. You needed me to survive. I didn't life. I didn't want a never ending hell as my life.

You took me to a faith healer called Le Grange. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be surrounded by so many people desperate for life when all I wanted was death. You made me feel so guilty for not wanting to live. I wanted to hide away in the back of the church. I didn't want to take the chance that a faith healer could actually heal me. You made sure we got seats at the front of the church. When Le Grange called out my name I told him to pick someone else, but he insisted I was the one who had been chosen to be healed. After some less than gentle prodding from you I went to see Le Grange on stage. When Le Grange place his hands on me I wanted to rip them of, but just one look at you stopped me. Le Grange healed me. He healed me and I was anything but grateful. When we found out Sue Ann was using the reaper for her own needs I knew that my death was meant to happen.

Layla. She was such a kind woman. She accepted her fate. The only reason she went to the faith healer was for her moms benefit. When you destroyed the cross you took away any chance Layla had at being healed. Although we know it would have been my death that healed her, I was only to willing to let the reaper take my life. When we were back at the motel I asked you if we did the right thing. I wanted you to say no. I wanted you to say that the life given back to me was never mine to have. When you arranged that visit with Layla I know that you had the best of intentions. Layla told me she wasn't healed, but sometimes you have to have faith in the miracles that don't happen. I even promise to pray for Layla. Although I made a promise to Layla it will be a pray devoid of any real faith. What kind of god allows you to be ripped out of heaven and sent back to the hell called living.

I know that someone once said get busy living or get busy dying. What happens if you're stuck in between? What happens when death becomes the more attractive option and no matter how much you try you just can't be bothered anymore.


End file.
